I’ve been flying a lot this year, folks. A lot! And I have seen everything from near empty airports (KEF, a few weeks ago) to absolute chaos with 3 hrs through security (AMS, I’m looking at you!)

Well, I’m just through security again, and I have some travel tips, I would like to share with you.

Fair warning: if you’re bothered by expletives, or rants in general, you should probably stop reading now.

It’s all about you!

Image by Jan Helebrant from Pixabay. Resisted the temptation to pap you. Yes, you!

Security might be short-staffed, and there are strikes n’all. But the chaos and endless queues are for the most part caused by YOU. That’s right!

  1. Let’s begin with you, who suddenly stop to look at your phone, making everyone behind you having to stop, too. Smashing into one another. Domino effect.
  2. Then there’s you, who pack your carry-on so tight, it takes a full unpacking (and re-packing) to get your laptop and bag of liquids out. Prep, man!
  3. Same goes for you, who need 5 of the huge trays for all your shit. FIVE!! It’s summer, FFS!
  4. You, who arrive at the airport 1hr before departure, then see the queue and insist you jump to the front, or else you’ll miss your meeting. Do you live under a rock? Or do you somehow have a notion your trip is more important than mine? Back of the line with you!
  5. You, who wait until you’re at the trays to transfer your liquids from your toiletry bag to the plastic one. There’s a reason the free ziplocs are at the beginning of the queue. So you can take care of this WHILST queueing. You had plenty of time.
  6. You, who after all these years, still think you’re allowed more than one bag of liquids. Why do you need 3 bottles of perfume in your carry-on anyway, huh? Planning to sedate everyone on board?
  7. You, who insist on having a phone conversation and load your tray at the same time, but your multi-tasking skills are ZERO! (And no, it wasn’t an emergency convo, cause I – and everyone in a 10m radius – heard you, loud and clear, you nob-head.)
  8. You, who forget to take off your belt so you have to go back, holding everyone up.
  9. You, who have a huge pair of knitting scissors in your carry-on, and won’t stop arguing with the officer who tells you that you can’t have it back. OK, I hear you. It was a mistake, you forgot it was there. And it was expensive. But it was YOUR mistake, so YOU have to pay the price. Not everyone waiting behind you.
  10. And last, but certainly not least, you, who don’t put your trays away after you’ve emptied them, so someone else has to do it for you, you selfish prick.

There’s a common denominator through here. Do you see it? Nah, didn’t think so. Here’s a hint: other people! Still don’t see it? Well, you’re an idiot! Now, get out of my way!

For the rest of us, models of airport security efficiency that we are, do you have anyone to add to the list above? If so, drop me a line here.